“What mind do you use to drive the way you live?”
The first time I was asked this I didn’t even have to hesitate. I immediately said Logical. I was proud to know that I was reasonable and rational. Life was black and white and I could be confident in myself to make the right decisions. I’d been like this for as long as I could remember and it’s the only thing that made sense. I had control of my life, played by the rules, and judged anyone who didn’t live the same way. I could have empathy, but I didn’t really respect anyone that didn’t guide their lives using logic in all things.
In my estimation, Emotional minded folks were weak. Sad. Pathetic. They made poor choices. They depended on others for their self worth and cried at everything. Their happiness or sadness was the indicator of how they should live their lives. It was like they lived their lives on a whim. Barf.
“The Wise mind is where you want to be, you know.”
I’m pretty sure I laughed in my counselor’s face and probably told her to fuck off.
It’s been a couple years since I’ve been introduced to the concept of the Wise mind and I’m not gonna lie… I mostly use my Wise mind these days and my life is so much happier.
Living in my Wise mind allows me to validate all the pieces of myself so I can make the choices that are best for me. (Did you hear that? Not right or wrong… good or bad… BEST FOR ME. Crazy.) What kind of life do I want to lead? Right?? Sound familiar? It should. Embracing the concept of my Wise mind has allowed me to stop, take a breath, weigh my pros and cons, accept whatever feelings I’ve got going on, and decide what’s best for me at any given point. Does it support my values and beliefs?
Unexpectedly to me, it’s also allowed me to, by in large, stop judging and controlling. I couldn’t have done the work on those things without using my Wise mind as a reminder. After a while, it’s just become automatic. When I am talking to other people, I hear their judgement and criticism. My stomach gets tight. My adrenaline starts rushing. Their need to control a situation (even if they don’t recognize that’s what is happening) or see things as empirically right or wrong starts a trauma response in me. Funny how that shit works, huh?
When we feel the feels, knowing they will ebb and flow…
When we stop looking at life as good/bad, or right/wrong…When we realize that what is best for me in a particular situation isn’t necessarily what’s best for someone else with a different point of view or experiences…
This is how we plant the seeds of healing. This is what I was looking for with The Tail that I knew I wouldn’t find. This was the beginning of me becoming the me I’d always wanted to be. This is when I realized I was really going to become again…
Anyway, this is part of a type of therapy called DBT. My counselor took this approach because I have been diagnosed with PTSD from a couple of devastating situations and have fought anxiety and eating disorders my whole life. We coupled it with the concepts used in 12 step programs, to help with the co-dependency that was also a factor in play. In my case, we replaced the words alcoholic or addict with narcissist. The approach is the same.
Listen, this one is fucking hard. It’s taken a lot of practice and some days I still fail. I know I’m better for it though. You can put in the work. It’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is and the prize is something you can’t afford to lose. You. Your life. Your happiness. Your sanity. You can do this.
Becoming Again 