They say not to make any major life changes when you’re going through difficult times. I am here to say, “Fuck.That.Shit.” This is the time to feel all the feels and throw other people’s expectations and opinions away. If there’s something you’ve always wanted but never did, now is the time to do it.
As it turns out, I didn’t realize how deep my co-dependency reached or how it held me back from being the me I wanted to be. I wanted to live my values, I was tired of hiding parts of me while hoping people would love me. If I could just meet all of their expectations, they’d have to love me. If I try a little harder. If I did a little better. If I didn’t do the things they talked bad about, or the things they looked down on. But here I was, alone despite it all. I failed. My best wasn’t good enough so fuck it. If all of that shit I did wasn’t going to get me what I wanted, then what did I have to lose?
I faced a fear and did something I had wanted for as long as I could remember.
“So you got some tattoos, huh?” Chad said.
“Yeah. I got some tattoos, Chad.”
I knew Chad and my mom were going to have some opinions, but I’d been tossing this joy tattoo around since high school. It was time. The little bit of pain, proving to myself I could overcome it and my fear of needles. I wanted it where I would see it all the time. Where if I was having a hard time I could look down at a discreet reminder, in my own handwriting, of who I am and how I want to live my life.
Rise? I mean, Joy is my middle name. That was obvious, but rise? Katy Perry. For fucking real. Rise changed my life. I listened to that song on repeat and cried my eyes out. It wasn’t sad tears. It was fuck all ya’ll tears. It was ya’ll don’t know me tears. It was just watch me, bitches tears. It was ya’ll don’t know what you woke up tears. It was ya’ll forgot who I am tears.
This was the beginning. It infused my soul with the strength and belief in myself that I had lost somewhere along the way. It was a start. I had/have a long way to go, but this is where I knew that if I could face this fear of not only the pain, but the judgement and criticism, that I could do anything.
I’ve done some other cool stuff since then. A bigger tattoo to remind me of my dad and grandma. A re-piercing of an old one I had removed because that’s not something that a Mom/wife should have. Drinking beer out of the can/bottle (seriously, that was a thing I couldn’t do without being made fun of). I took belly dancing classes. I started golf lessons. I’ll go to dinner alone. I’ll stop by my favorite brewery on my own after work. I started inviting people to come out with me. I go to the movie theater alone (seriously, I was the only female watching a Marvel movie alone at a late night Friday night showing). There have been so many amazing experiences I’ve had because I got the best case of the fuck-its when Chad said he was leaving. (Thanks, bud!)
Doesn’t all that shit seem normal? Like I should’ve been doing it all along? But I couldn’t. I had created a world that revolved around my family and trying to keep Chad happy… to make my parents proud… and I was fucking miserable. I didn’t even recognize myself.
It’s easy for us to get wrapped up in maintaining appearances. We all want to be accepted and loved. Sometimes we cross a line into unhealthy territory when we’re so desperate to feel that security. Listen, I understand. I do. But the thing is, we aren’t living a life. Not a life that is ours, anyway. And we deserve to live a full, happy, authentic life of our own. Now is the time to do the big things. We only have right now, so it’s time to make the most of it. There’s nothing more to wait for.
I’d love to hear what you’ve done to find yourself! What do you want to do? And if it’s planned, what are you doing to do to make sure it happens?? Go listen to some Katy Perry and make a list. Be sure to include wild dreams and realistic; easy to build from things. If I can do this shit, I know we all can.
Becoming Again 